Monday, December 30, 2013

2013 : I've taken the road.

when 2013 begin. I dont feel like entering new year. Struggling to finish final year thesis was so much worrisome. Till now, I still feeling the day of doing final year project is like a nightmare that I want to forget and breakthrough. But its a past of me, and will stay as it is. Learning, a mistake I've done in the past eventually affect me now in future.

Then, eventually I took this road. Truthfully, doing decision without a lot of thinking is just me! Regret? Since I learnt to make decision till my upcoming age 25 in 2014, I told myself that never be regretted. Because, rather than just a decision I made, it is the destiny that Allah had decided for me. So, how come I regret with Allah's plan. Just, I learnt through all the way, that Allah give aql to insan so that, we can still make time, thinking, deciding and doing for the best. Not just have faith to Him, but to have faith with ourselves and Allah will always be there in whatever decision we made after all ikhtiar we have done.

Life is learning process. And I am not ashamed to learn that late (because too busy learning much stuff expressway). Therefore, I took a moment to move forward. Some people say, I am wasting my time, but I say I am filling it different way. Rather than aim higher, I thought to aim wider. Because space is not just earth and sky. Its more than that! That I dont really know, but I want to know.

2013. When I finish my degree in February and took a job in koperasi PKPIM in March, I thought that, this is wrong! As much as I hate engineering, I hate business as well. I learnt that if you are hating something so much, it will come to you eventually. Thus, I restricted myself for hating. If I feel like to dislike or hate, I will remain quiet and ask whether I want it to come to me. If not, then stop hating and just ignore.

Being an admin exec. is somehow confusing. I learnt nothing about administartion, just a subject about industrial management during my degree. Accounting, bussiness. Zero. A subject, economic engineering help nothing. So, what I did is just common sense. Learning and learning. With a messy people like me, being in administrative part seem ridiculous. I felt something must done. Whether to step down and let other who have better qualification to fill the duty or, hang on and keep learning. Huh! that hard enough!

But, to resign is not easy. This koperasi that just start in February, with no capital and members. Who want to work where you dont have stable income and you have to work as you run a business and took only a small revenue for your salary or may be no salary because no income. At the same time, you have to run for membership, promoting the koperasi and so on. In other part, some people kept asking what you are doing. No progress. No money. No members. With the feeling that you are getting your salary but you are not just doing your job right! the problems is, I keep confuse how to do the job right......

In the meantime, I'm struggling to make job done in a duty as an exco of PKPIM, a student's NGO at national level. The worst, in this duty I also confuse. Being non-creative person, I am forced to be the creative one. And I try but the result will never satisfy. Honestly, I cant match the colour of my hijab and jubah then decided on black for being safe. So, expecting me to design something with matching and appropriate colour, I just amazed if I really can make it. Then, I surrender. This match-making and arranging-decorating is just not me. I am too messy to be that person.

However, the thing I love by being exco is meeting people, whether the senior in ABIM or WADAH or the junior, brothers and sisters from campus and states. Meeting them and learning from their experience and innocent really made my day. Going out almost every night to different kind of campus is something I never thought I would do. But I had done it miraculously! In no time, almost in every campus in Klang Valley (ok, that’s exaggerated a bit!)  and some out Klang Valley, I know at least  a person. Then, I ask myself to reduce the intensity.  So, I kept low and keep connection 'online' not physically, afraid at some limit I will breakdown. For me connect with people is enjoying but keep physically torture by going out every night and weekend seem unreasonable. The life taught me a lot. I learnt to communicate in many different way. Although not being expert but I felt matured and its more than enough.

Not long after started the job. PRU fever come on. The fever is high for us when we decided to get involve with campaign and so on. I have interested in politic. But to help with election campaign, i just undecided. So, kept the colour grey. But, i become one of the early person involve with this campaign around end of March or early April. Reluctant but experience is beyond my expectation.

The campaign take more about one month before the election took part in early May. And I learnt a lot. Learning, involve in politic is not just about the competition for power, its more about the desire to help the weak. Its about sacrifice, spirit, believe and submitted. But, the most touch my heart is people. Going down to area, meeting up different kind of people. Found their circumstances. The life they live in. I just felt hopeless that, I can't help a lot. People are sick. In all kind of area. They can be cure. But they doesn't find the solution yet. And I regret that I am not come down sooner. I thought after the election end, I have to do something. Something must done! But election end. The failure is bitter. And I do nothing. And its much more bitter.

The brokenheart of PRU and the failure stay no longer. Life must go on. The duty is so much to handle. I'm getting back busy with my job in koperasi and the duty as exco. 

One of the reason I choose to work with jamaah agency and do not going for government and private sector, other than to infaq myself is to have more opportunity to travel. During my study period, I got chance to go to Singapore, UK and Patani. I always thought, I love to be home, rest and leisure. But, being a traveller I learnt that how much I miss to just be at home. So, my first travelling mission out of Malaysia after graduation was to Patani in a volunteer project for education. I felt the attachment with the project and went for second mission during ramadhan and intended to do so for aidiladha. However, my mother suddenly restricted me from going to the southern Thailand when she heard many bad story about the strain situation there. I am not very obliged daughter but in my life for almost  one quarter of century, I experience much as a stubborn child that doing something without mother’s consent, unpleasant things could happen. Thus, I deviate my destination for qurban season. I choose Sumatera Barat, Indonesia. Padang, Maninjau, Padang Panjang, Bukit Tinggi. The land of HAMKA, Mohamed Natsir and many others great human being of Indonesia. The experience was priceless. As I always mention if I stay longer there, I will make decision to marry a man from there. The story will not be mention here but in other writing, insya Allah.

That the last before I started get busy with annual grand meeting (muktamar) and world conference that coming together and require whole commitment and attention. At the same time, we got deciding to sell good on event. Thus, I become multiple busy. However, being busy with something we can do seem very enjoyable. The sell in good number and the events although with so many circumstances and predicament had safely ended. Although my role seem small, I learnt a lot in handling a big event. I don’t really know that I can really handle crisis and tension in a job and maintain to be in control all the time. Exhausted? Of Course! But, I learnt I want to get involve again in the future. Invole and go through all the circumstances and tension.

Post-muktamar, I got in dilemma. Ok, during muktamar I got new portfolio as exco. That I am not confidence to go through. Right, the last tenure I don’t think I am functioning very well to get the position that require more responsibilities and commitments. I just think, I can’t.

President gave me moment to cool down. 7 nights to istikharah and make the best decision. I am clueless. Then, I decided to leave KL and went to east. Kuala Terengganu. Meet a best friend. But at that time there is facilitator program going on. In problem, but meeting with this innocent sisters really live up my life.

In front them, I have to act as an exco. Really, it felt ridiculous when I thought to resign but I really feel happiness by being with them. Talk about our society and how we can play our role as student, as young generation. I thought a lot. Did I really want to give up without try? Its not easy but what is easy in this world? I have to just try and if I really can’t, its ok because I’ve tried my best. And this chance to try is not everyone acquire. So, stop for being complicated and do the job to the best!

And I just decided and let go all worrying and move on. It took a lot time to find the best rhythm what I really can do in this new portfolio. With a lot of discussions and help from friends, I learnt my way. Not very smooth but the fade light begin to appear along the road and hopefully it’s getting brighter and that will be the right road.

In koperasi, I have to learn more. I have to prepare. I learnt that how much I flaw. How much I have to improve and how much I need people to help cover my weakness. I learnt how hurt and tough to be left and question by something that should be answered by others. I know that, I would never done this to others. How cruel this would be. I will never make the same mistake. Thus, I choose to hold on. And it is not easy. But, to leave without finishing seem so irresponsible and selfish. Sacrifice? May be but rather felt I am sacrificing, I felt that this as duty, the position that Allah give for me to contribute to this society. May Allah repay all this because expect from people will only making it harder.

This year also my convocation. I am officially graduated. Pleasantly, I got an award although I never thought I am qualified to obtain it. Life is always mystery and Allah’s plan always beyond our thought. Being graduated really a relieve since the horror final year project and depression 4 years in engineering, I just felt a burden had lift up from my back. Its not that I hate engineering, but I just don’t have passion on it and cannot do the best toward it. I just can’t live working with machine, manufacture product and lot of engineering work that require math, physics that totally beyond my imagination to expertise. Being 4 years in engineering, I just don’t grow feeling toward it.

However, I never regret the time I spent. It never been wasted. Although it took 4 years, at least I learnt that engineering is just not me. I will never look back. I will move on. I still don’t know what, but, there must be something that I just not figure out yet.

At the end of the year, the flood hit some states in east peninsular. To be in flood area never been my interest. However, to be in this organization make me to be empathy towards others. I help my best in center of collection good for flood victims in ABIM. To feel if I am in their shoes, how can I do not offer any help? Without planning, I got on one day mission during sultan selangor’s birthday holiday. The experience is unique. Truly, I just love meeting people. Either flood or not, village or city and so on.

Last, I dont know when it was started that I've fallen in love. Not yet or not sure whether it really love or just having interest. But the feeling grow with a lot ups and downs. And this is dare confession. I really do. Fall in love secretly to a person. Fall in love during this age, really make me thinking a lot about marriage. Huh! If only it can be easily to get married! However, it remained secret until this writing is published.

To be a one side love is hurting. Thinking alone about future that have no future exactly. Being hurt by the person you love is the most painful. I told myself repeatedly, stop this and forget. Because it will never happen!

Still, deeply in my heart I want to stay. Whether, there is future or not, its really not a big deal. To have the feeling inside me is too precious to let go. Although, I have to remain silent forever. Because by love inside, the life get better. I found the fight to be just like him. A person I love. And being in love, my heart feels fullest. Although, I just can look from a far. It enough.

Some people say, to love a person without proper relationship (nikah/family) is a sin. But, how can love become a sin? Loving will never been a sin. Involve with free social relation or adultery is the sin. However, to fall in love and keep our dignity to the highest place. Obey to Allah’s command. Amr maaruf wa nahy munkar. What is wrong with that? Therefore, I determine to stay in love and keep my dignity. Because, to fall in love will never lower my dignity if I keep my akhlak and social relationship in syara’ standard.

This is my mujahadah. I never thought to repeat this word because its not an easy word and act to fulfill. 2013 really made my life. I am no longer student. May be still young but I am adult. I felt more vulnerable and able to be honest. Maybe the first step to become mature. Although, still a lot of story keep hidden in the dark!

I want to start refresh this new year. 2014 seem more challenging. There may be huge change in my career. I want to be more fearless to take the risk. I want to be more passion as an exco. I want actively try anything new. Vigorously cover any issues. More energetic (need supplement for this) and healthy (really do!). Also, I want to start study again. Still considering. The only that have no decision yet. But 2014 will give the result. Yup, travel more. Learn and experience. Next writing will be my planning as this writing is my past in 2013.

Good bye 2013. I am getting 25. This age mean a lot! And I should accomplish something!