To love or to be loved.

Today, I cut my hair.

It's a secret,

I let my hair to get long because I fell in love with someone.

I wanted to marry him and I thought I should marry with long hair.

But, he married someone else.

He never knows I am into him.

I am fine.

I think.

Although I want to marry him, I never feel confidence to confess.

Until the truth reveal.

I think it a good things.

But, it's not that easy.

For couple of months, I think I can get over him.

I just don't know if I can love someone like that anymore.

But, after few months I met someone else.

Someone I never thought I will be in love with.

But, I was truly falling all over him.

I asked him to marry me.

But, I got rejected.

He also has another person to be his wife.

It's hurt to the hell.

And I try to get over it and find someone else.

It's crazy.

But, I managed to fall in love again.

And, courageously, I was proposing again.

And, again, got rejected.

I felt like, I am doing comedy rather than melodrama.

Falling in love repeatedly and devastated with broken heart again and again.

It's hurt.

I cried everytime I remember it.

But, I learnt a lot.

So much things.

Among them is, I can fall in love again and again.

Maybe it's just not at the right person.

And I can fall in love in many different ways.

One day, if I really meet the right person, I will fall again.

Till that time,

I know, I just have to miss him.

Someone who will be right for me.

I cut my hair today,

Because, I want to be my self.

I want he to love me because of me.

I would not like to be someone else to make others to love me.

Because, how hard I am trying,

The ones who didn't love will me, will stay like that.

I will stop trying to please others.

It's hard to be honest.

I never have courage to tell anyone about this.

Lucky, I can write.

I can content my heart.

That, I am not alone.

I can write and at least, Allah knows my heart.

Instead of pleasing others,

I will try to please Him.

And, He will grant me the love I need.

It's something that I always believe after all had happened.

He never leave me alone.

The Me?

I think I will just be me.

But, I really wonder which is me?

Deep inside, I want to fall in love, be in love and feel to be loved.

But, at one second I am scared.

Do I will be treated in good way?

Do he is the right one?

Do he will love me forever?

Do I will never stop to love him?

And Do I have time for all these?

I went through 10 years (and more) without lover.

I can through this period too.

I don't really need it actually.

Maybe I just scared when everyone go to another phase of their life while I stuck here.

Maybe I just jealous on something others people have that I don't have.

Maybe I think it is the time.

Maybe and maybe because a lot of reasons.

But, the real me, what she will do?

I don't know.

But, she is beautiful, kindhearted, intelligent and talented.

She will find her way.

Her way.

She will cry alone every night

either when reading romantic novel and watching love story

or when she prays and studies the Qur'an

She will be that kind of person.

Crying as much as she wants

And smile brightly again and again in front of others.

And she will write.

Being honest at least to herself although she will pretend in front of others.

That she.

And she is me.

Blog again. After more than a year.

I think I am going to blog again.

It's really hard for me to stop writing my personal journal and depend solely on Facebook. Too much people, too much audiences. I am not feeling secure to write my personal story there.

I think, no body is going to look at my blog anymore.  Its not really popular before and its much more unpopular now.

My life is getting hard when I don't know to whom I should talk. I have this problem since young, that's the reason I start writing and express my feeling through it.

But, I stop when life was too hard and I can't even write to share about that hard moment in my life.

As I grow up and all the hard things seem bearable now. That's life, you need t go through it to grow.

I will write back. My life, my feeling and anything I want. Just to let my heart be at peace. So, when I write I can cry with satisfaction. And I can feel better.

A lot has happened since my last post. More than a year. I graduated, worked, failed in my work, work again, not really suitable, further my study, make a distance, start seriously writing, find my passion, fell in love, broken heart, fell in love again, again, broken heart, searching job, find unthinkable jobs and the latest I was offered and I was accepting to be part of something that I never think before.

I also have my own room. New house. One by one, my childhood dream came true. I feel bless and grateful. I think, Allah is always there for me. In hard difficult time and even in easy and happy time. I shouldn't ask more. I should love and worship Him more.

But, I am just human. And I need to talk out and express what I feel. How I am sick with this world, how I am disappointed with my self. About a lot of thing. I just want to write and tell.

Therefore, I choose to blog again. I hope no one is reading. I could write a lot of secret things too... ^_^