Breaking

Since I decided. I try my best to avoid anything with the people in my life. But, its not easy actually. Repeatedly I ask myself, why did I really want to break all this relationships?

He. A man that I met about a year ago (a year + months). Its not a love in first sight but since the day I know him, he seem special to me. But, nothing more just feeling he is different than others person I've been met before.

In time I learnt more about him, work together, talk and most listening to him or observing him. May be following too. I grow an interest, rather then like, I felt impressed. And may be attracted.

I start talking about him, (of course he knows nothing) but people around me sense something. But, I convince them and also myself, its just a feeling like a fan toward a person they fanatic about. (ok, i'm not fanatic just can't stop listening and observing or may be following him... err, did it mean fanatic???)

Now, it go deeper to admiration. Inspiring. I felt threaten. I felt competitiveness. I felt I want to be like him. (or may be with him.....) Somehow jealousy too.

Its started confusing at the point where I always felt I need to meet him.

And I kept all this feeling myself until I decided to write this. Because I want to let it go and move on. I've been fighting with myself whether it is worth to come clean with my feel and being honest with him or just quietly and slowly let the feeling fade away. Time consuming but it's avoid any damage. Because, rather than hurting me, I afraid it will hurt him more in different way if he learned the truth.

The problem is the feeling. Either just a fan or more than that? Until now, I've been confusing.

Therefore, all this have to stop before I am hurting myself and others. May be that's the reason I'm breaking the relationship one by one. Before its breaking me down.