Stop

What friendship mean? Its something not easy for me to comprehend. I don't feel I ever have a best friend in my lifetime. No one to be blamed, just I am not ready to accept a person to intrude in my life deeply. 

I've been hurting sharing my secret with people around me. Nobody will really be there. May be I expected too much from people that I've hurt again and again.

Therefore, I decided to stop to be in that kind of friendship anymore. 

Sometime, I feel like I should just ignore. May be that friendship mean, sometime happy, sometime hurt. But, I don't feel any friendship. It just... business may be. 

And its annoying. That I want to stop. Stop to be in a fake relationship they call friendship. Where, I always feel disturb and hurt.

Nobody to be blamed. Its all my fault to feel that way, to be that way. I just need to stop now.

Breaking

Since I decided. I try my best to avoid anything with the people in my life. But, its not easy actually. Repeatedly I ask myself, why did I really want to break all this relationships?

He. A man that I met about a year ago (a year + months). Its not a love in first sight but since the day I know him, he seem special to me. But, nothing more just feeling he is different than others person I've been met before.

In time I learnt more about him, work together, talk and most listening to him or observing him. May be following too. I grow an interest, rather then like, I felt impressed. And may be attracted.

I start talking about him, (of course he knows nothing) but people around me sense something. But, I convince them and also myself, its just a feeling like a fan toward a person they fanatic about. (ok, i'm not fanatic just can't stop listening and observing or may be following him... err, did it mean fanatic???)

Now, it go deeper to admiration. Inspiring. I felt threaten. I felt competitiveness. I felt I want to be like him. (or may be with him.....) Somehow jealousy too.

Its started confusing at the point where I always felt I need to meet him.

And I kept all this feeling myself until I decided to write this. Because I want to let it go and move on. I've been fighting with myself whether it is worth to come clean with my feel and being honest with him or just quietly and slowly let the feeling fade away. Time consuming but it's avoid any damage. Because, rather than hurting me, I afraid it will hurt him more in different way if he learned the truth.

The problem is the feeling. Either just a fan or more than that? Until now, I've been confusing.

Therefore, all this have to stop before I am hurting myself and others. May be that's the reason I'm breaking the relationship one by one. Before its breaking me down.

Leaving

I try to start writing daily journal manually. Try to figure out, what kind of story to write down. What happen in life and what I felt deep inside. But, I just stuck after write for several line. Whether, I have difficulty to write using pen or it is awkward to be writing on paper. Then, I decided to choose blogging. If people say it is just personal story, let it be... how many people reading my blog anyway...

Sometime, life seem so complicated when it comes on relationship. Whether family, friends, co-workers, lovers or people that we fatefully met in our life. For me, I've lot of fun meeting new people although I learned that its not easy to start any new relationship, not to establish it into the firm one. Realizing that, I learned how fragile my relationship toward people around me that make me cry much of time to think whether I will left alone somewhere.

Whether, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a partner, an employee, a student and a lover, I don't think I can perform in any of it. I felt I have been hurting and hurt by the people I have relation with. Most of time. Thinking that, how least important I am toward their life that will make me want to run away every time. But, thinking the new relation I will be developing in new place with new person. It just scared me away.

I try to not really think about people. To make sure I am not to be hurt or hurting them. Really, life is just for a moment. And we live for the world after. Bothering myself with people is always too much. Its time to move on. End the hurt relationship and move on. Its bitter. But life needed the bitter one. Its not a sin right to forget everything and walk away? I know how expert I am to be a fugitive in much of situation. May be its quite childish and immature. But, if waiting is just wasting of time. What is wrong to leave?

Whether friend, family, work, love and whatever life in this moment. I'm thinking to let go one by one.