The anxiety

I just back from attending a training on lay counselor.

During the program, we have to answer few quizzes.

One of them was the level of our mental health.

I got worst for my anxiety and moderate for stress and depression.

And I was the only on got the worst score in the room.

I think I am fine.

But, I know I don't really can function well.

I leave my workspace messy.

I forget a lot of things.

I am disappointed with my self that I can't be as efficient I should be.

Or as perfect as I should be.

Sometimes I feel useless.

I can't do simple things and I don't know what to do.

I sleep for 6 hours or more but I still feel tired when wake up.

And when I am thinking about everything I started to cry.

Crying without knowing the reason why.

I can't off the lamp when sleep at night because I am afraid I can't wake up at the right time.

I worried to sleep at midday because I am afraid people will call me about important things.

I keep checking my phone if anything happen.

I don't know if I really need to seek help from professional

I want to quit my job but I always afraid.

Afraid that I can't do any better in other job.

Afraid that I don't have money to support my family.

Afraid that others who replace me will take opportunity for their own good.

Maybe I really need to find help.

The prayer for dreams

In the middle of this midlife crisis

I am wondering, what I should do next?

I always dream big, but, becoming adult, my dream becoming smaller

Least I aware, one by one my dream had came true

I just thinking, the dream is not perfectly like what I had imagine

Because everything will never be perfect

But it did come true

That's the reason I always grateful

That I have done nothing

But, Allah always grant me good things in life

Because Allah always love me, protect me and never leave me behind

Even though I always stray away from the right path

I don't know what will happen next in my life.

I want to help more people, but, I learned that it is not easy.

I wish Allah will always help people who need His guidance

And Allah will guide me to do more good things for the sake of Him and myself

When you hate so much

Politic

I hate it

So much

When people start arguing

I just don't care

But, for the last 20 years

I have this one dream

To change the government

What?

Yes, change the government

But, you hate politic?

Yes, but I still want to change the government

I don't even want to work for government until the government change

And it did change

And I was literally forced to work for new government

Still, I hate politic. 

Back and Reclaim

Writing is an exploration
You start from nothing
And learn as you go

I think that's also apply on life
We start from nothing
And learn as we go

So, I decided to keep writing
For me to keep living

Let's blogging again
Since I don't know how to start
And I start long time ago by blogging

I miss my self that time
I am not perfect
My life full of flaw
And I pray everyday for Allah to help me
To go through that difficult life

And His favour does reach me
Counting back all my prayers
Allah answers almost everything
And I am not realized it
Because I am so busy
Complaining about everything

When I decided to stop
Looking back at the trail of time that passed
Allah shows me everything that I forgot
And I know I have lost myself
Because I forgot to be grateful
And to thank Allah for everything He gives me

It's a good thing that I stop
And take time to reflect

And Alhamdulillah I decided to continue again
To reclaim my best self

Akhirnya! Novel pertama saya!

Mungkin masih banyak yang boleh diperbaiki lagi. Tapi ini kisah cinta pertama yang berjaya saya tamatkan.

Moga pada masa akan datang saya akan merungkai dan berhasil menamatkan lebih banyak kisah-kisah indah.

Its a dream comes true!

I am a writer now! Novelist!

2015 was a great time!

2015 was a great year for me.

I have been in a lot of situations.

And lot of big things happened to me.

I ended my 2014 with a news of my 2 years crush was getting married.

I started writing my novel.

And used the whole year in 2015 to finish it.

When I thought love was unimportant and didn't know if I was capable for it again.

I fell deeply for a person.

However, it was unrequited love and I got heartbroken.

When I was moving on,

An unacceptable proposal came up.

To be part of leadership in a renown Islamic organization in Malaysia.

At the same time I got a job.

The first permanent job in the office of the Opposition Leader of Malaysia.

Before that, I was hopeless with no money and no job.

Until I have to do a part time work for unique 'tutor' job in KL for a month.

Oh, don't forget, I at last got my driving licence after almost 10 years struggling to acquire it.

And at the end of the year, I finished writing my novel.

I still single and thinking love is not really important.

I am struggling to finish my study.

And I am happy with my work.

2015 was a great year to me.

It was too colourful.

Filled with laughter and crying hard.

It was the time I was turned 26 from 25.

And I am not young anymore.

But, I love my life.

2016. Let's study!

Happy New Year!

It's 2016 and I am 26.

I have long passed the 25.

And I felt old already.

Luckily my life is not really suck.

I have a stable job.

I am writing novels and other things.

I am struggling in my postgrad study.

The best thing is I have my own room.

Where I spent most of my time in it.

I love to have my own space.

My own bed.

My own bookshelf.

I don't need more than that.

I am just simple girl.

And I just love my life.

But, not everyone is as lucky as I am.

I hope to help more people.

I hope to do more for society.

Although sometime I can handle to help myself.

I don't have much in this 2016.

I just want to do more good things.

Write more.

And finish my study.

Happy New Year!

And I used this whole 3 days new year break finishing my unfinished assignment.

I will finish my assignment.

I will finish my study in less that 2 years from now.

And I will graduate.

2016.

Let's study!

To love or to be loved.

Today, I cut my hair.

It's a secret,

I let my hair to get long because I fell in love with someone.

I wanted to marry him and I thought I should marry with long hair.

But, he married someone else.

He never knows I am into him.

I am fine.

I think.

Although I want to marry him, I never feel confidence to confess.

Until the truth reveal.

I think it a good things.

But, it's not that easy.

For couple of months, I think I can get over him.

I just don't know if I can love someone like that anymore.

But, after few months I met someone else.

Someone I never thought I will be in love with.

But, I was truly falling all over him.

I asked him to marry me.

But, I got rejected.

He also has another person to be his wife.

It's hurt to the hell.

And I try to get over it and find someone else.

It's crazy.

But, I managed to fall in love again.

And, courageously, I was proposing again.

And, again, got rejected.

I felt like, I am doing comedy rather than melodrama.

Falling in love repeatedly and devastated with broken heart again and again.

It's hurt.

I cried everytime I remember it.

But, I learnt a lot.

So much things.

Among them is, I can fall in love again and again.

Maybe it's just not at the right person.

And I can fall in love in many different ways.

One day, if I really meet the right person, I will fall again.

Till that time,

I know, I just have to miss him.

Someone who will be right for me.

I cut my hair today,

Because, I want to be my self.

I want he to love me because of me.

I would not like to be someone else to make others to love me.

Because, how hard I am trying,

The ones who didn't love will me, will stay like that.

I will stop trying to please others.

It's hard to be honest.

I never have courage to tell anyone about this.

Lucky, I can write.

I can content my heart.

That, I am not alone.

I can write and at least, Allah knows my heart.

Instead of pleasing others,

I will try to please Him.

And, He will grant me the love I need.

It's something that I always believe after all had happened.

He never leave me alone.

The Me?

I think I will just be me.

But, I really wonder which is me?

Deep inside, I want to fall in love, be in love and feel to be loved.

But, at one second I am scared.

Do I will be treated in good way?

Do he is the right one?

Do he will love me forever?

Do I will never stop to love him?

And Do I have time for all these?

I went through 10 years (and more) without lover.

I can through this period too.

I don't really need it actually.

Maybe I just scared when everyone go to another phase of their life while I stuck here.

Maybe I just jealous on something others people have that I don't have.

Maybe I think it is the time.

Maybe and maybe because a lot of reasons.

But, the real me, what she will do?

I don't know.

But, she is beautiful, kindhearted, intelligent and talented.

She will find her way.

Her way.

She will cry alone every night

either when reading romantic novel and watching love story

or when she prays and studies the Qur'an

She will be that kind of person.

Crying as much as she wants

And smile brightly again and again in front of others.

And she will write.

Being honest at least to herself although she will pretend in front of others.

That she.

And she is me.

Blog again. After more than a year.

I think I am going to blog again.

It's really hard for me to stop writing my personal journal and depend solely on Facebook. Too much people, too much audiences. I am not feeling secure to write my personal story there.

I think, no body is going to look at my blog anymore.  Its not really popular before and its much more unpopular now.

My life is getting hard when I don't know to whom I should talk. I have this problem since young, that's the reason I start writing and express my feeling through it.

But, I stop when life was too hard and I can't even write to share about that hard moment in my life.

As I grow up and all the hard things seem bearable now. That's life, you need t go through it to grow.

I will write back. My life, my feeling and anything I want. Just to let my heart be at peace. So, when I write I can cry with satisfaction. And I can feel better.

A lot has happened since my last post. More than a year. I graduated, worked, failed in my work, work again, not really suitable, further my study, make a distance, start seriously writing, find my passion, fell in love, broken heart, fell in love again, again, broken heart, searching job, find unthinkable jobs and the latest I was offered and I was accepting to be part of something that I never think before.

I also have my own room. New house. One by one, my childhood dream came true. I feel bless and grateful. I think, Allah is always there for me. In hard difficult time and even in easy and happy time. I shouldn't ask more. I should love and worship Him more.

But, I am just human. And I need to talk out and express what I feel. How I am sick with this world, how I am disappointed with my self. About a lot of thing. I just want to write and tell.

Therefore, I choose to blog again. I hope no one is reading. I could write a lot of secret things too... ^_^